Christmas is over. This year, like several recently, I am glad. As one of my friends wrote so very well, Christmas is a bitter-sweet holiday for many. Some more bitter than others. But, as she said, I am not unique in having empty places set at the table.
This year my children had to spend the entire Christmas break with their dad. Since my children weren't here, my dad, nephew, niece and almost-nephew-in-law :o) stayed in Idaho. So, for Christmas day it was just Darren and me. I know I should be grateful and thankful that I have my children the majority of the year and I get them for Christmas day every other year. I am a fortunate divorced parent. There are many others, my husband included, who don’t ever get to see their children for any holiday, because even though custody orders say that the children are to visit on a certain schedule, the person with the primary custody refuses to put the child(ren) on a plane or bus or whatever. So – the bitter is that my children weren’t home for Christmas this year, the sweet is that they will be back home soon and we'll have Christmas then and we'll have it together on Christmas day next year. For Darren, the bitter is that he did not hear from any of his children. The sweet is that he enjoyed spending time with his brothers and family on Christmas eve.
As the holiday season approached I realized that this would be the 6th Christmas that I had to celebrate without my mama. She was so much more than a mom to me. For better or worse, much of my life revolved around her, so when I lost her, I lost a pretty big part of myself, too. It is also been about 8 years since the holidays were celebrated as a complete family. My brother and sister (in-law) divorced, my younger brother and his family moved away. The same year that my mom died, my sister (in-law) died as well. We went from celebrating with 20 or more squeezed in all around the table (we've never been a “kids' table” kind of family) down to 8 or 9 on a “good year”. That has been so hard to get used to. Very bitter, indeed. But, as I said at the beginning, I am not the only one missing a parent this year. For Darren and his brothers this is the 2nd Christmas without their mother.
Losing a parent is something we accept as we grow into adulthood, but not something we expect so soon. Both Darren’s mom and mine passed away just a year or two after turning 60. I was only 34 years old when my mom died and Renae’s sons were approximately 36-42 years old when they lost her. Darren and I both still have our fathers, which is a mixed blessing. I say “mixed” because my dad lives about 700 miles away, so we don't get to see each other very often. I do try to fly him to see us a few times a year and of course, I see him when I take the kids to Idaho. We also talk on the phone several times a week. I was able to fly him here for Thanksgiving and Patrick's birthday this year and I am hoping he can come again in February. But there are always a lot of tears when the time comes to return home. Although Darren’s dad lives just an hour away, he doesn’t get to see his dad much more than I see mine and they don't talk on the phone very often, either.
So, now a new year is once again on the horizon. I look forward to it with hopeful expectation. A year, fresh and new. A blank slate on which to write anything I choose. Some things will be written for me, things that are beyond my control. But it will be for me to choose how I react to those things. The rest I will write for myself. These will also be my choice. Will I choose to look at each experience as something I can learn and grow from? Will I choose to take too much too personally as I have done nearly all my life? Or will I choose to look at it in a more positive light? Will I write the good things in LARGE print and the not so good in a much smaller typeface? Will I write in BOLD, HAPPY COLORS or in simple black and white?
I'm not sure what all 2010 has in store, but I do know some of what the new year will bring; I will gain a new nephew when my niece marries, and a baby will be added to our family tree. These are two events that will bring many smiles and happy tears. I am choosing to only think of the joy these events will bring and not the sadness that the geographical distance holds. We will have a new baby, that is still close enough for me to love and spoil and watch grow. A baby that I will hold and cuddle. My very first “Grandbaby-ish”. And for all of the not-so-happy emotions that are clumped up in my heart; the grief that my mother will miss the birth of her first granddaughters' first child, and my sister will not watch her firstborn daughter have her firstborn child. Rather than feel the sadness for my niece and myself that these two most important women will be absent, I will choose to focus on the joy that will fill my heart when I get to witness this magic, standing by her side. And the gladness that will fill my father's heart when he welcomes his great-grandchild to the world is a treasure to witness in itself.
As this year comes to a close and a new year begins, I will resolve to look towards all of the gloriousness this life gives. I will welcome each new challenge and face it head-on with the courage and faith. I will honor the memory of my mom and my sister by doing all I can to be the woman, daughter, sister, mother and wife they taught me so well to be. No longer will I so willingly give in to feelings of inferiority, and self-consciousness. I will stand up for myself, my children, my family, my beliefs.
I will be strong!
