Two weeks or so...

until I have to take my kids to their dad. He is such a putz sometimes, but...for better or worse, he does love the kids and tries to do his best. He isn't the best, but he does the best he knows how, which, I guess, is all anyone can ask for. Right?

Over the years he has done so many things that have been hurtful to me and to the children. Things that I doubt any of us will ever truly get over. But, he is doing the best he knows how for the person that he is. Sometimes I wish I could be like other mothers and ex-wives. I want (need) to protect my children. But, as the court made very clear - you cannot "convict" someone for a crime until they actually commit it. So, even though I'd like to be like so many other women, and keep my children home with me and protect them from the evil that they may or may not encounter, I will pack their things, load up the car, and take them for their summer visit.

My ex-husband may never know the restraint shown to him because of the hurt that I have seen befall another. After what he did to us, I wanted so badly to pack my children and run. Go so far away that he'd never be able to see us or hurt any of us again. Someplace where he'd never be able to raise his voice or his hands to us...but I didn't. I stayed. I knew and know, that despite his faults and short-comings, he loves the children. Maybe not how you or I think he should, but with what he has. And even with moving away last year, we are still reasonably close. And I don't fight him when he wants to see the children. Even when they do not want to go, I encourage them to go, and sadly, sometimes "make" them go. (Once even when they were literally kicking and screaming and fighting it.) Every visit that the court says he gets and every visit he asks for, they go. And so far, thankfully, each time they come home safe and happy and they even say they enjoyed themselves for the majority of the time.

And now, it is time for them to spend the entire summer, minus only 2 weeks, with their dad. It is going to be one long, hard summer for me. I miss them so much when they are away. But...sometimes that's what we have to do as parents. Let things be a little more difficult for ourselves so that our children can grow up and make decisions and have feelings from their own time and experiences. Not from what someone else (including me) has said, or from some childhood memory that may or may not be completely accurate. But from what they learn and experience for themselves, in person. People change every day. And you can't base how you feel today on something that happened a day ago, a week ago, a year or even several years ago. Yes, we do need to protect our children, but we also need to give them an opportunity to decide for themselves. As painful as it is going to be for me, I have to let them go. And so I will. With a hug and a kiss and the promise that I will always be with them, no matter what, even if it is only in their hearts. And so another summer begins...