Friday, May 21, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Foreboding February
February used to be a month that I looked forward to, with all of the hope and promise of the new life spring would bring after the long winter sleep. More recently, though, it has held more sadness, loneliness and longing.
While at my dad's house helping him during his most recent return home from the hospital, I found a poem. I do not remember where we got it, but reading brought forth many bitter-sweet memories. I hope it speaks to your heart, as well.
For My Mama
"Don't worry about the little things"
My Mama used to say.
"The Spirit's on your shoulder
And He'll show you the way."
"Ask the Lord for guidance
He'll surely get you through
No matter what the trial
He's always there with you."
"So lighten up your step, dear,
There's no need for heavy heart
And if you do your very best
God always does His part."
How I miss my darling Mama
But I thank God every day
For the many years He blessed me
With the things she had to say.
My mom had so many little sayings. Some she got from her own mother and others, I suppose, were just her own. I hear her voice sometimes when I say some of those things to my own children; "clean the corners and the middle will take care of itself", "if it's not yours, don't touch it", "if you don't want something to happen (good or bad) don't put yourself in the position where it will", and my favorite, "God will take care of it. He always does".
Each year, February had been a month of anticipation. The snow was melting, the weather was getting warmer, money didn't seem to be quite so tight. And, it was mom's birthday. The first birthday celebration of the year! Then 2004 happened. We found mom was very sick and then, all of a sudden, she was gone. Shortly after that my dad had a heart attack and ended up in the hospital. The following February he had quadruple bypass surgery. Spring no longer held the promise of new life, but had more of a tension, trying to hold on to the life that seemed to be slipping away.
Then, for a time, life found a new pace. Not the light one of the past, but a steady, determined pace. Life seemed to be finding an upward track. There were some tragedies and some delights. Then February 2010 was upon us. By the end of January dad was not doing well again. In February he ended up back in the hospital.
The bypass surgery he had done in 2005 had to be done over. When the doctors performed the surgery they found they were only able to do a single bypass, not the 4 he needed. He also had emphysema and one lung was attached to his heart. After the surgery he developed congestive heart failure, and later, pneumonia. He has been in and out of the hospital ever since.
I have been praying every day. One of the many things my mom taught me, and another of her sayings was to "be careful what you ask for. You just might get it". She taught me to pray carefully. To talk with God, to tell him what was on my heart, but to always end with "thy will be done". She also always said to make sure to ask for the strength to accept the answer if His will would be difficult to bear, and to have a heart of praise and thanksgiving, either way, because in the end He knew what was best and it would be a blessing to us even if we didn't see it right away.
Since February life has been full of challenges, more than usual. But each day I pray that my dad will get better if that is God's will. Although it has been an up and down roller coaster ride, he does seem to be improving, three steps forward, two steps back. Spring is on it's way. The sun is shining more, flowers are blooming. There are more sunny, warm days than cold, dark days. My heart is, again, full of hope and anticipation.
My mom used to frequently say, "be thankful for what you have and don't worry about what you don't". So, as another foreboding February becomes history, I will be thankful for my many blessings. I have 3 children who are respectful, smart, talented and normal human beings, I have a husband that loves me faults and all, I have family who accepts me just as I am, I friends who enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs (even though they are all several hundred miles away), a job, a place to lay my head, food on my table, and my father is still alive and healing a little bit more each day. And if dad's room in God's mansion is ready for him more sooner than later, I will be thankful for the many years I was confused and frustrated and angered and blessed and comforted by the things my daddy had to say...
And I know I will be ok, because "God never gives us more than we can handle".
While at my dad's house helping him during his most recent return home from the hospital, I found a poem. I do not remember where we got it, but reading brought forth many bitter-sweet memories. I hope it speaks to your heart, as well.
For My Mama
"Don't worry about the little things"
My Mama used to say.
"The Spirit's on your shoulder
And He'll show you the way."
"Ask the Lord for guidance
He'll surely get you through
No matter what the trial
He's always there with you."
"So lighten up your step, dear,
There's no need for heavy heart
And if you do your very best
God always does His part."
How I miss my darling Mama
But I thank God every day
For the many years He blessed me
With the things she had to say.
My mom had so many little sayings. Some she got from her own mother and others, I suppose, were just her own. I hear her voice sometimes when I say some of those things to my own children; "clean the corners and the middle will take care of itself", "if it's not yours, don't touch it", "if you don't want something to happen (good or bad) don't put yourself in the position where it will", and my favorite, "God will take care of it. He always does".
Each year, February had been a month of anticipation. The snow was melting, the weather was getting warmer, money didn't seem to be quite so tight. And, it was mom's birthday. The first birthday celebration of the year! Then 2004 happened. We found mom was very sick and then, all of a sudden, she was gone. Shortly after that my dad had a heart attack and ended up in the hospital. The following February he had quadruple bypass surgery. Spring no longer held the promise of new life, but had more of a tension, trying to hold on to the life that seemed to be slipping away.
Then, for a time, life found a new pace. Not the light one of the past, but a steady, determined pace. Life seemed to be finding an upward track. There were some tragedies and some delights. Then February 2010 was upon us. By the end of January dad was not doing well again. In February he ended up back in the hospital.
The bypass surgery he had done in 2005 had to be done over. When the doctors performed the surgery they found they were only able to do a single bypass, not the 4 he needed. He also had emphysema and one lung was attached to his heart. After the surgery he developed congestive heart failure, and later, pneumonia. He has been in and out of the hospital ever since.
I have been praying every day. One of the many things my mom taught me, and another of her sayings was to "be careful what you ask for. You just might get it". She taught me to pray carefully. To talk with God, to tell him what was on my heart, but to always end with "thy will be done". She also always said to make sure to ask for the strength to accept the answer if His will would be difficult to bear, and to have a heart of praise and thanksgiving, either way, because in the end He knew what was best and it would be a blessing to us even if we didn't see it right away.
Since February life has been full of challenges, more than usual. But each day I pray that my dad will get better if that is God's will. Although it has been an up and down roller coaster ride, he does seem to be improving, three steps forward, two steps back. Spring is on it's way. The sun is shining more, flowers are blooming. There are more sunny, warm days than cold, dark days. My heart is, again, full of hope and anticipation.
My mom used to frequently say, "be thankful for what you have and don't worry about what you don't". So, as another foreboding February becomes history, I will be thankful for my many blessings. I have 3 children who are respectful, smart, talented and normal human beings, I have a husband that loves me faults and all, I have family who accepts me just as I am, I friends who enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs (even though they are all several hundred miles away), a job, a place to lay my head, food on my table, and my father is still alive and healing a little bit more each day. And if dad's room in God's mansion is ready for him more sooner than later, I will be thankful for the many years I was confused and frustrated and angered and blessed and comforted by the things my daddy had to say...
And I know I will be ok, because "God never gives us more than we can handle".
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Some times are more tragic than others...
I had intended that my next post (which would be this one) be more of a happy one, but I couldn't find the pictures I wanted to include, so I procrastinated. You guessed it, I am the QUEEN of procrastination - I even have a crown to prove it :D Anyway, because of my procrastination things have changed and my happy post is postponed.
As you may or may not know, I lost my mama to cancer in February 2004, just 5 days before her 62nd birthday. I'm sure I mentioned before that we had her "celebration of life" on her birthday, complete with cake and her favorite music. In February of 2005 my dad suffered major heart difficulty and ended up having quad-bypass surgery. Since then he has had various, somewhat minor health problems that, to date, have been able to be treated. One of the bigger problems was pain and lack of circulation in his legs. One of the complications from this was that he was unable to get around very well. He had trouble getting his groceries, walking and due to cramps, even sleeping through the night was a major challenge. The doctors were able to finally remedy this with a surgery that put an electronic device in his back that sends electrical impulses to his nerves to relieve the pain. Since that time he has seemed to be improving daily. He's been able to do nearly all of his own shopping and work throughout the day virtually pain free. Things were really looking up and we were planning for him to come visit again over President's day weekend and go fishing, as we did last year. We were all looking forward to it, especially since Dad would be able to actually stand and enjoy the fishing this year. Last year was hard because his legs kept cramping up.
But Murphy's law won out, again. Last weekend Dad started having chest pains and late Sunday night he drove himself to the hospital. He'd had a heart attack. He'd run out of one of his blood thinners (he's on 2 different ones, among other medications). He figured that since it was so close to the end of the month that it wouldn't be a big deal to go without it for a little bit since he was still taking one. Dad ended up in the hospital for a better part of a week, getting stabilized and having numerous tests to figure out what the problem is. They figured it out. All 4 of the grafts from his quad-bypass are terribly diseased. He needs surgery to repair them. However, due to the various medications he is on, his age and other problems, the risks are very high. The doctor said, "There is a very real risk that he wouldn't make it off the operating table".
They had planned the surgery for first thing yesterday morning. My dad was reluctant. He felt he was being rushed into a decision and things were moving way to fast. In addition, he had clients that he'd made appointments for and with. He had things at work and home that needed done. He also wanted some extra time to get his "affairs in order", just in case. So, the doctors agreed to see if medication alone would help things. They gave him a week. He is to be back at the doctor's office on Monday, Feb 8th to see if the medications are helping and to decide if the risks of the surgery do, indeed, outweigh the risks of not going ahead.
One is never ready to loose a parent or loved one. But, to me, it is especially difficult when your parent is still so full of life. Even with all of the challenges he has faced these last few years, he is still strong. He works full time on the clock and many more hours off the clock, helping his clients. He is still able to safely drive. He makes 2 or 3 trips a year to Oregon to see us, driving himself to Boise (over 250 miles, one way) and gets himself on a plane from there to Portland. He rides his motorcycle. He is 71, but he is not "old". I am not ready to let go. I still need him. My kids need him even more. There are so many people who love him and care about him, depend on him and need him around. If he were old and feeble and wasting away it would be so much easier to accept the fact that this risk is at our door. But when he has so much life and fire left in him, it doesn't even seem real that this is something I will have to consider so soon.
So, I will say my prayers as my mother taught me. "Be careful what you pray for", He always knows what is in your heart and what is best. Simply pray "Thy will be done. Give me the strength of heart to accept Your decision if it is a difficult one and the humility to always remember to give You praise. If things go well, never let me forget that it was also Your will and the glory belongs to You."
There has been a great heaviness in my heart and I don't anticipate it lightening any time soon. It has been good reminder, though, how precious and how fragile life is. I know it is cliche' but this trial has made it ever more clear; don't take a single day for granted. You never know which one will be your last.
I hope that my children and I are able to spend many more springs and summers, falls and winters with their grandfather (Popeye), my daddy. I pray that the Lord will give the doctors knowledge and skill along with the ability to make him well enough that we may enjoy much more time together.
Time and love...the greatest gifts we can give and an even greater gift to receive.
As you may or may not know, I lost my mama to cancer in February 2004, just 5 days before her 62nd birthday. I'm sure I mentioned before that we had her "celebration of life" on her birthday, complete with cake and her favorite music. In February of 2005 my dad suffered major heart difficulty and ended up having quad-bypass surgery. Since then he has had various, somewhat minor health problems that, to date, have been able to be treated. One of the bigger problems was pain and lack of circulation in his legs. One of the complications from this was that he was unable to get around very well. He had trouble getting his groceries, walking and due to cramps, even sleeping through the night was a major challenge. The doctors were able to finally remedy this with a surgery that put an electronic device in his back that sends electrical impulses to his nerves to relieve the pain. Since that time he has seemed to be improving daily. He's been able to do nearly all of his own shopping and work throughout the day virtually pain free. Things were really looking up and we were planning for him to come visit again over President's day weekend and go fishing, as we did last year. We were all looking forward to it, especially since Dad would be able to actually stand and enjoy the fishing this year. Last year was hard because his legs kept cramping up.
But Murphy's law won out, again. Last weekend Dad started having chest pains and late Sunday night he drove himself to the hospital. He'd had a heart attack. He'd run out of one of his blood thinners (he's on 2 different ones, among other medications). He figured that since it was so close to the end of the month that it wouldn't be a big deal to go without it for a little bit since he was still taking one. Dad ended up in the hospital for a better part of a week, getting stabilized and having numerous tests to figure out what the problem is. They figured it out. All 4 of the grafts from his quad-bypass are terribly diseased. He needs surgery to repair them. However, due to the various medications he is on, his age and other problems, the risks are very high. The doctor said, "There is a very real risk that he wouldn't make it off the operating table".
They had planned the surgery for first thing yesterday morning. My dad was reluctant. He felt he was being rushed into a decision and things were moving way to fast. In addition, he had clients that he'd made appointments for and with. He had things at work and home that needed done. He also wanted some extra time to get his "affairs in order", just in case. So, the doctors agreed to see if medication alone would help things. They gave him a week. He is to be back at the doctor's office on Monday, Feb 8th to see if the medications are helping and to decide if the risks of the surgery do, indeed, outweigh the risks of not going ahead.
One is never ready to loose a parent or loved one. But, to me, it is especially difficult when your parent is still so full of life. Even with all of the challenges he has faced these last few years, he is still strong. He works full time on the clock and many more hours off the clock, helping his clients. He is still able to safely drive. He makes 2 or 3 trips a year to Oregon to see us, driving himself to Boise (over 250 miles, one way) and gets himself on a plane from there to Portland. He rides his motorcycle. He is 71, but he is not "old". I am not ready to let go. I still need him. My kids need him even more. There are so many people who love him and care about him, depend on him and need him around. If he were old and feeble and wasting away it would be so much easier to accept the fact that this risk is at our door. But when he has so much life and fire left in him, it doesn't even seem real that this is something I will have to consider so soon.
So, I will say my prayers as my mother taught me. "Be careful what you pray for", He always knows what is in your heart and what is best. Simply pray "Thy will be done. Give me the strength of heart to accept Your decision if it is a difficult one and the humility to always remember to give You praise. If things go well, never let me forget that it was also Your will and the glory belongs to You."
There has been a great heaviness in my heart and I don't anticipate it lightening any time soon. It has been good reminder, though, how precious and how fragile life is. I know it is cliche' but this trial has made it ever more clear; don't take a single day for granted. You never know which one will be your last.
I hope that my children and I are able to spend many more springs and summers, falls and winters with their grandfather (Popeye), my daddy. I pray that the Lord will give the doctors knowledge and skill along with the ability to make him well enough that we may enjoy much more time together.
Time and love...the greatest gifts we can give and an even greater gift to receive.
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