I love this crazy, tragic, ...

...sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful, life.

One of my many favorite lyrics from a song. I mean, there are many songs with many lyrics that are my favorite and this is one of them.

My husband is only a man, my children are just people, my father is merely human, my family is....well, you get the point. But, warts and all, I love them each for exactly who and what they are. Sometimes I don't always like them, but my heart is filled with love and I would, without hesitation, lay down my life for each and every one of them. I failed to mention in my previous blog just how wonderful and thoughtful my husband can be. During the Christmas holiday I was reminded of just why I fell in love with him and why I married him.

For Christmas, Darren's step-mom gave us each a little bit of cash. I guess it's just easier that way, rather than trying to guess what each adult child and their spouse may or may not want for a gift. Anyway, the house in which we now reside has been well lived in, to say the least. The carpet in the family room has an iron burn in the middle of it, the walls need painting, the flooring in the kitchen is cracked and stained, the window casing needs some serious TLC and so on. So, with my Christmas money, I decided to make an improvement to the kitchen.

A while before Christmas Darren and I were in Lowes getting some materials for his business. In the paint aisle I noticed several kinds of specialty paints. A few I had seen before; Rustoleum for outdoor furniture, appliance touch-up paints. But there were a couple that I'd never seen before; Stainless steel, magnetic and COUNTER TOP PAINT! They actually make a paint specifically for laminate counter tops! I said to myself, "Self, if I had some extra money I would SO buy some of that"!

Well, you'll never guess what I used my Christmas money for :) The counter top paint can be tinted in "16 different colors". When you look at the box top for the color options you'll notice that it's really only about 2 colors; various shades of tan and 2 options for blue; one that the picture showed as a blue/green color and the other that was a darker dusty blue color. I chose the darker blue. I was dismayed, however, when the gal mixed the paint and showed me the color. It was more of a grey color and in my opinion, not a very appealing color for my kitchen. I asked her if she could make it bluer. She got a puzzled look on her face and went to find someone else to help her. I didn't think adding more blue would require extra help, but then again, what do I know? (to be honest, I do have training in mixing paint, so I truly was confused at her need for extra help) A few minutes later a young man showed up and started adding more blue to the paint.

Here are some before and after pictures. I am quite pleased with how it all turned out.



Darren and I both masked everything off. Then I painted the first coat and he did the final one.

The work on the kitchen was done while the kids were in Idaho with their dad. I was in a mood that was far from pleasant. I had bought the paint and decided it would be a good distraction to go ahead and get to work. It ended up being more than simply masking off the area and painting. The sink had to be removed. When we did that, we found that there was some serious wood-rot happening. We also ended up having to change the supply lines. All of these things Darren graciously took care of for me. I could have done it myself, however, it would have taken much longer to accomplish and it certainly wouldn't have helped to improve my disposition at the time. I just wanted something nice and Darren helped me to have it.














So... back to the beginning. I have married a wonderful man, who is, after all, just a man... another favorite lyric...(modified for the purposes of this blog) "He's close enough to perfect, for me".

Oh, and by the way -- yes, this is my entire kitchen. I was standing against the refrigerator to get the picture of the left hand side of the sink and against the stove to get the right hand side.

The first week of January is almost over...

...and so far I've done pretty good at not taking things too personally. I have been a bit more moody than usual. I mean, there's usually a couple days a month where the change in wind direction can bring me to tears, but that only lasts a day or two. For some reason, though, I just can't shake this melancholy. This is my first full year in Oregon. I've heard the rain and gloom can have that effect, so maybe that's the explanation.

I have a birthday card that I've had for several weeks but still haven't sent. I'm really struggling with the message to write in it. Sometimes finding the right words to say what's on my mind and getting the true sentiment across is difficult. I think, maybe, because I tend to take things too personally I worry that what I write will be taken offensively when it's not meant that way at all. I'm just not sure how to handle the situation.

I haven't been going to the gym. I thought my membership expired in November, so I quit going. I received a collection call tonight saying I was two months behind on my payments. I explained that I only had a one year membership and that it was over in November. The lady on the phone promptly told me, "No, no, no. You have a TWO year contract and can only cancel if you move 25 or more miles away and there are no other gyms nearby." DANG! So, now I have to pay for 2 months that I didn't even use. I am really not happy about that! But, I guess, now I don't have an excuse. I really did feel better when I was going regularly. However, I have this guilt issue that prevents me from going before 8pm. And to tell the truth, by that time of night all I really want to do is put up my feet and rest.

My day usually starts at about 6:30am. I get Patrick and Emi up and ready, breakfast and all, then drive them to school by 7:15. Then I do the same thing with Aaron and myself, getting him on the bus by 8:15am, then me to the office by 8:30. Work is a circus in itself. I'm off at around 4, then I pick Patrick up from wrestling practice and make my way home. I walk in the door and immediately start dinner. We eat between 5:30 and 6:30, depending on how long it takes to get dinner made and on the table. After that it is clean up and help the kids with any homework they didn't get done while I was making dinner. Then, in a flash, it seems, it is 7:30 and time to start getting ready for bed. Don't get me wrong, the kids are all old enough to get themselves ready, but it seems that bed time is the time that they remember to give me a note from school, have some important thing they need to talk about, or they just simply want to sit for a minute and have quite, cuddle time. The boys need to have their teeth checked before bed. Aaron, because I just like to make sure he does a good job. He tends to brush pretty fast and sometimes doesn't get all the "sugar bugs" off. Patrick, well, he has braces and an extremely tight bottom lip, so he has me check his teeth to make sure he got all the yuk off from around his braces. Oh, they joys of mother-hood and boys :D Anyway, the point is, I seem to be going non-stop from 6:30am - 8:00pm. Making myself change my clothes, get in the car and drive clear across town is a difficult task. However, I do know it is something I REALLY need to make myself do.

Speaking of being busy -- today is now the 15th of January. I started this blog more than a week ago...need I say more?

I found out what has been causing part of my moodiness. The problem seems to be correcting itself, but it is difficult to deal with, emotionally. At least it's not sending me to the emergency room this time.

Santa was pretty good to the kids. They didn't get much, but they each got the one gift that they really wanted. Patrick wanted a Nintendo DS. That is a gift that was WAY out of Santa's price range. However, Santa was able to find one at Game Stop for about half of the regular price. Emi said, "I want a karaoke machine, but I know I won't get one". Well, she did. And Aaron wanted his own video game. He got a hunting game. It is the kind that you plug into the TV and then it has a rifle that you shoot at the deer or whatever on the screen.

Aaron's birthday is in January. That is always nice because I can get him really cool gifts for about 75% off at the after-Christmas sales. This year he wanted a Nerf War party at home. We invited his cousins and a friend from church over. They all had Nerf guns and spent about 3 hours "shooting" each other inside and outside. The weather cooperated, so happily for me most of the war was outside. When I asked him what kind of cake he wanted, he said he wanted a Nerf Gun cake. I asked him to think of something else, since Patrick had a gun cake and they'd look almost exactly the same. He decided he wanted a cake that looked like a potato, since his nickname is "Spud". I made him a Mr. PotatoHead cake. Well, as close as I could, anyway. :)
















Work has been a challenge. But I think that comes with the territory when you are working for family. I am very thankful and grateful for my job. But, it's a bit depressing to have spent so much time in school, spent so much money, and not be able to get a job that uses my education. It's also frustrating to not be able to make enough to even begin paying on my student loans. But, I refuse to let it bother me too much. It seems like things always work themselves out, by the grace of God. He hasn't let me down yet! :) Darren's business is doing well - it is self-supporting, which is a HUGE blessing in this economy!

So, now the second week of January is over. I had a huge mess-up at work, but it was caught and fixed and I learned a big lesson. I have been given more responsibilities, broadening my knowledge of the business and giving me more hours, or at least, more to do during the hours I am there. I finally have health insurance and should be able to get the kids covered, too, in the next month or so. My ex is being granted his reduction in child support - the only one benefiting from that is him, of course. But, in order to just get it over with, I'm not going to argue about it. The kids will just have to understand that they won't get to do as much as they had been able to do.

I am preparing myself for February. It promises to be a difficult month. February is the anniversary of both my mother's birth and her death. We are hoping for my dad to fly over and go fishing again, like we did last year. It was a really nice time and made it a much more pleasant way to celebrate her life and memory. Money will be the only thing preventing it this year, so I plan to get my taxes done right away and hope for a big return. Ha ha ha!

I think I found a home for our "new" dog. She is more dog than we can take care of with me working full time and Darren spending so much time in the shop. We just don't have enough time for all of her energy. She's also tried to take a bite out of Josh's chickens. He wasn't too happy about that! So, I think, for now, we'll just stick with our 1 dog and 1 cat.

That's about it. We lead pretty dull lives, as you can tell. I'm sure there is more, if I thought really hard about it. Like, our dog got hit by a car and, honestly, should be dead. But, after spending WAY more money than I had, we found out she only had severely torn ligaments in her leg and will probably limp for the rest of her life. I think she's part cat, really, you know, 9 lives and all. Since this is getting long winded and I'm sure you all have better things to do with your life, I'm going to end here.

Goodbye Christmas. Welcome 2010

Christmas is over. This year, like several recently, I am glad. As one of my friends wrote so very well, Christmas is a bitter-sweet holiday for many. Some more bitter than others. But, as she said, I am not unique in having empty places set at the table.

This year my children had to spend the entire Christmas break with their dad. Since my children weren't here, my dad, nephew, niece and almost-nephew-in-law :o) stayed in Idaho. So, for Christmas day it was just Darren and me. I know I should be grateful and thankful that I have my children the majority of the year and I get them for Christmas day every other year. I am a fortunate divorced parent. There are many others, my husband included, who don’t ever get to see their children for any holiday, because even though custody orders say that the children are to visit on a certain schedule, the person with the primary custody refuses to put the child(ren) on a plane or bus or whatever. So – the bitter is that my children weren’t home for Christmas this year, the sweet is that they will be back home soon and we'll have Christmas then and we'll have it together on Christmas day next year. For Darren, the bitter is that he did not hear from any of his children. The sweet is that he enjoyed spending time with his brothers and family on Christmas eve.

As the holiday season approached I realized that this would be the 6^th Christmas that I had to celebrate without my mama. She was so much more than a mom to me. For better or worse, much of my life revolved around her, so when I lost her, I lost a pretty big part of myself, too. It is also been about 8 years since the holidays were celebrated as a complete family. My brother and sister (in-law) divorced, my younger brother and his family moved away. The same year that my mom died, my sister (in-law) died as well. We went from celebrating with 20 or more squeezed in all around the table (we've never been a “kids' table” kind of family) down to 8 or 9 on a “good year”. That has been so hard to get used to. Very bitter, indeed. But, as I said at the beginning, I am not the only one missing a parent this year. For Darren and his brothers this is the 2^nd Christmas without their mother.

Losing a parent is something we accept as we grow into adulthood, but not something we expect so soon. Both Darren’s mom and mine passed away just a year or two after turning 60. I was only 34 years old when my mom died and Renae’s sons were approximately 36-42 years old when they lost her. Darren and I both still have our fathers, which is a mixed blessing. I say “mixed” because my dad lives about 700 miles away, so we don't get to see each other very often. I do try to fly him to see us a few times a year and of course, I see him when I take the kids to Idaho. We also talk on the phone several times a week. I was able to fly him here for Thanksgiving and Patrick's birthday this year and I am hoping he can come again in February. But there are always a lot of tears when the time comes to return home. Although Darren’s dad lives just an hour away, he doesn’t get to see his dad much more than I see mine and they don't talk on the phone very often, either.

So, now a new year is once again on the horizon. I look forward to it with hopeful expectation. A year, fresh and new. A blank slate on which to write anything I choose. Some things will be written for me, things that are beyond my control. But it will be for me to choose how I react to those things. The rest I will write for myself. These will also be my choice. Will I choose to look at each experience as something I can learn and grow from? Will I choose to take too much too personally as I have done nearly all my life? Or will I choose to look at it in a more positive light? Will I write the good things in LARGE print and the not so good in a much smaller typeface? Will I write in BOLD, HAPPY COLORS or in simple black and white?

I'm not sure what all 2010 has in store, but I do know some of what the new year will bring; I will gain a new nephew when my niece marries, and a baby will be added to our family tree. These are two events that will bring many smiles and happy tears. I am choosing to only think of the joy these events will bring and not the sadness that the geographical distance holds. We will have a new baby, that is still close enough for me to love and spoil and watch grow. A baby that I will hold and cuddle. My very first “Grandbaby-ish”. And for all of the not-so-happy emotions that are clumped up in my heart; the grief that my mother will miss the birth of her first granddaughters' first child, and my sister will not watch her firstborn daughter have her firstborn child. Rather than feel the sadness for my niece and myself that these two most important women will be absent, I will choose to focus on the joy that will fill my heart when I get to witness this magic, standing by her side. And the gladness that will fill my father's heart when he welcomes his great-grandchild to the world is a treasure to witness in itself.

As this year comes to a close and a new year begins, I will resolve to look towards all of the gloriousness this life gives. I will welcome each new challenge and face it head-on with the courage and faith. I will honor the memory of my mom and my sister by doing all I can to be the woman, daughter, sister, mother and wife they taught me so well to be. No longer will I so willingly give in to feelings of inferiority, and self-consciousness. I will stand up for myself, my children, my family, my beliefs.

I will be strong!